I'm sure I sound like a broken record... I'm going to update the blog more often, I'm unemployed, I'm depressed, I'm tired.

Fine, I sound like a broken record, just repeating things.  It's not like I'm not trying but I'm honestly in a dark and unhappy place right now.  Most people would not event know it.  I get up and go to school.  I go to work.  I put a smile on my face.  I interact with people that way I always do.  But inside me there is nothing, just sadness and maybe a little depression.

This is not like me, I don't even know me right now.  There is something about being unemployed for 10 months that really brings a man down.  You feel like such a looser even as you go to class 20 hours a week and work 25-32 hours a week at a barely above minimum wage part-time job.  So I bust my ass and feel like an exhausted zombie trying to do it all and it does not help.  Only 2 more classes and my internship to go before I can try to find a job in my new field but right now with Christmas looming that is of no help.

I know Christmas is not about gifts.  I am so very happy to being going to visit my family (even in cold weather) for Christmas.  They they included Chase in Christmas Eve gift exchange this year (acceptance).  I am happy and thankful for my friends and for Chase and for my home and for so many things.  But I still feel lost.

When you make your mortgage late each month (past two months and first time in my life ever), make your car payment late, have no money to shop, live from small payday to payday (unemployment kicks in to make up the difference but in Florida it is very little so I still max out at $275 a week) it just sucks.  I am thankful for Chase and he helps me a lot but then I feel more like a looser for having to depend on someone else to buy me food to eat.  I know that's what a partnership is but I've always been able and have taken care of myself, I just feel like less of a person.  It's stupid and I know better but I can't help it.

Enough of this broken record rambling it's pointless.  Everything will be OK and life goes on.