Well, boys and girls this is not a pretty story.  It's downright ugly...and mean.  It's the worst thing I've ever done to someone and even though it was 14 years ago, I still feel bad about it to this day.  This is the story of how I broke up with the only man I've ever loved and dated for a few months.

It was a cold, dark, and snowy night in March.  I was working late and knew that C would be coming over that night.  He had a key to my apartment and would be letting himself in.  I left him a little note and told him I would be home late and that we needed to talk.  When got home C was sitting on the sofa and he was crying.  He knew what was coming.  What he did not know was how conflicted I was and how much I loved him.  I don't even know if I knew how much I loved him.

We sat there and I told him I loved him but I couldn't do what I was doing.  I was living two lives, one as a gay man with him and one as a gay man in the closet with my family.  He told me we could work it out, he would not pressure me, we would be able to get though this.  I agreed but I knew I would not be able to do this at this point in my life.  So we wiped away the tears and went to bed.  We made love that night and when we were done I got a blanket and a pillow and got out of bed.  I told him I was going to sleep on the sofa and that he needed to leave in the morning instead of spending the weekend with me.

The next morning was the last time we ever saw each other.  We talked on the phone and tried to stay friends for a few weeks, but that was not going to work.  It's not what either of us wanted.  I wanted to be with him but I was not at a point in my life where I could do that.  It would be many years until I told my family about being gay.

Anyway, that was really a rotten and low thing to do.  From the note, to agreeing to work things out, to making love, to going to the sofa, it was just all the wrong way for me to behave, especially with someone whom I loved.  So, C where ever you are I am sorry.  I really loved you and so wish that things would have been different.

I'm not the same person today and I would never behave that way again.  But there it is, bearing my soul telling the whole world (or the couple of people that read my blog) what a low and mean thing I once did to someone I cared about a great deal.