As part of my telling it all and bearing my soul thing here is anther story from my past.

I have not always been comfortable with being a gay man.  It actually took me many many years and some counseling later in life.  But this story is about the very beginning and facing the truth and my reaction.  While I'm sure I had some type of idea of my identity from a very early age I was around 15 when I admitted the truth to myself.

It was a tween-winter day in Cleveland which is one of those late winter early spring days where everything is gray and cold and you're not really sure true spring will ever arrive.  I told my parents I was sick and I stayed home from school.  I was sick that day, it was just depression, self loathing, and fear...not a physical illness.  I knew I was gay and I had finally said those words out loud, if only to myself.

I was really depressed about this.  I didn't want to be gay.  Gay was bad.  This is what I was taught by society and religion and I'm sure my environment.  My Grandfather (mom's dad) was a preacher and although my mom was pretty liberal about social issues when we went to church I was taught homosexuality was wrong.  I don't know why but I had really strong feelings about what I was as being wrong.

I did not want to live this way and decided that I would not.  So I went into the bathroom and filled the sink with hot water.  I soaked my hands and wrists in the water to make the skin tinder as I really intended to end my life right then and there.  I emptied the sink.  I am right handed so I took the razor blade into my right hand and held my left hand over the sink.  I would make the slices vertical from wrist towards the elbow to make sure it worked.  I poked the razor in my skin.  I watched, like it was in slow motion, as the first drop of blood fell and hit the sink basin.  Then something made me stop.  To this day I don't know what it was that made me stop, but I did.

I of course remained in a depression for at least the remainder of that tween-winter time.  I also hid in the closet for like the next 10 years and partially for anther 10 years after that, but that's another story altogether.

I am happy today and proud of who I am in every aspect of my life.  We all have our faults, but, overall I know I am a kind, giving, and good person.  I am not ashamed of being a gay man and I will never again feel the way I did way back then.