I'm on the road again, in Lakeland going to our warehouse to do training.  I worked all day and then drove up here so I can be at my first class at 8:30 AM.  I was checking out all the blogs I read on a daily basis.  I came across a post at Single in the City and I left a comment.  It was about choices and regrets.  Here is my comment:

"I try not to live my life with regrets, I like to think that all the things that happen to us help to shape who we are.  The one area I can't seem to make this work is also coming out and one special relationship.  I waited way to long to come out and was a virgin until I was 27.  I truly regret this as I learned how much I missed out on and that is one thing I wish I could change.  The other is a man named Chase, my first and only true love.  I don't even know where he is now but I often wonder what if..."

I really do try to live by the philosophy that every experience (good and bad) make us who we are and we would be different people if not for our life experiences and choices.  However, I so regret not having come out until 27.  I only came out to my parents 6 years ago which was 9 years after coming out to my friends.  I regret all the time I wasted and all the sex I could have had.  Let's face it, in gay society younger men do much better on the dating and hook up market.  If I would have know how much fun sex is, I would not have waited until 27.

Secondly I regret breaking up with and losing contact with Chase.  He lived in Michigan, I lived in Ohio.  We saw each other every weekend, long weekends.  I actually fell in love with him after dating a couple of months and part of me will always love him.  The problem was that I was still not out to my family and the pressure of the double life (living the lie) was too much for me.  Instead of doing the right thing, the thing that would have been best for me I, I broke up with Chase.  This is my second regret in life.  I often what he is doing now.  Is he happy?  Is he with someone?  I will never know. 

I know that these things are part of who I am and try not to regret these things.  I am pretty much happy with who I am (we all have our ups and downs).  If these things were different then it is possible I could be a different person and my life could be totally different.  It could be better or it could be worse so I have to try to live with these little regrets and be happy with today.